Never is a promise...

Hey Y'all...

2005-03-13T23:59:35Z

I've decided once again that it was about time for a new username. Plus, I wrote about waaaay too much depressing shit in this journal...even though my life is quite depressing ha. But hey...life's all about change right? So...my new and hopefully FINAL username is impulsive_one so add me and I'll add you!

xoxo,

Jen

all i need...

2004-10-22T07:02:52Z

all i need is to feel loved and i know that i am not a lovable person...although sometimes i'd like to believe that i am lovable but it's cool if i am not cuz like i said...some people have no purpose and i am one of them. i need a huge giant hug right now from anyone and no one is there to give it...go figure...and people wonder why i want to die...what is WRONG with me????

my life is shit...

2004-10-22T06:09:43Z

all i have to say is no matter what i do i always wanna die...i drink and i wanna die more...actually i wanna cut more...but i don't wanna be an even bigger loser than i already am so i am trying not to...plus i fucked up my leg hardcore last night so i can't do it again. i feel like shit and i feel like a bad friend and i can't be a good friend or anyone that anyone wants to be friends with until i get better and i will NEVER get better so this is the end of it all...i seriously want to die. nothing is fun for me anymore and i can't resist alcohol because it is the only thing that slightly makes me feel normal and then makes me feel like shit but it is so worth it because my life sucks. i really believe that some people have no worth or no purpose in life and i am one of them...and thats okay because i guess that will be my purpose...to have no purpose. i am afraid of guys...ever since david tried to rape me i haven't been the same. ever since i've had my only boyfriend who excepted me for who i was, i've never been the same. no one likes this raunchy part of me...everyone thinks i am gross or weird. all i know is that i hurt really really really badly and i hate myself for it. i need some serious help. today i had scheduled a therapy appointment and the counselor didn't even show up. could you make me feel any fucking worse? all i have to say is i wish i could be normal. ok yea i know that others have it much worse off than me but i feel like shit and i just want it to end. is that too much to ask for it to end? is there a fucking god because he seriously must hate me right now...i must not deserve to be happy. maybe i did something incredibly wrong, but it is seriously hard for me to understand why people enjoy life because honestly, i am looking forward to my death. by the way, i am so fucking drunk right now and this is the most i've been able to write in a long time and i don't care if it makes no sense whatsoever because i am trying so hard to get it out and it is so hard and i feel like shit and all i want is someone to notice me and give me a hug and tell me that it is alright but it's not and it will never be...

i wanna fucking die...

some quizzage

2004-10-15T02:43:37Z

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.

But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?

It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.

Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are A Moschino Heart Bag

You're a whimsical, romantic girl with a good does of funky

You've are always in the middle of some adventure, planned or not

Style is something you mastered early on - and you're envied for it

When it comes to you, you're one of a kind ... with many imitators

What Kind of Handbag Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Sex Position is Sex Swing

Fun. Frisky. With a touch of kink.

It's playtime for you and Mr. Thing -

So strap yourself into this swing!

What's Your Sex Position?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

I am 21!!!!!!

2004-10-04T05:30:11Z

"I love my roomie! Happy Birthday you hot mama! For those of you who weren't there, Jen sang karaoke last night and put everyone to shame! Alicia Keys ain't got nothin on you girl! I had an awesome time and I hope you did too!"

I turned 21 on Saturday, and I spent Friday night at the bar with my favorite girls!! We got wasted, I sang karaoke and it was an overall fantastic time. Thursday night my roommate threw me a surprise party and it was awesome. I definitely wasn't expecting it. So yea...the bar was awesome...I sang and kicked ass (if I do say so myself haha). Then I walked home with my shoes off (Lindsey attempted to carry me but that just didn't work lol). It was just awesome. It was a perfect night...almost too good to be true. THEN...I spent the entire weekend with Lindsey and my family, which was a blast. It's so hard to believe that she and I haven't even known each other for a year and yet I have so much love for her. She is like a sister to me. I would do anything for her. Spending my 21st with her was like the cherry on the top of my giant cake. Thanks Lindsey...I heart you! :-)

So tonight I kinda feel sick...I have a bad tummy ache and headache but I am going to bed soon in hopes of sleeping it off.

Happy Birthday to ME! I am so thankful for my girls (well, the two who didn't leave me for a random marine boy lol)

G*Night

P.S. We got a European hamster named Guido because he has HUGE balls. He is the cutest thing in the world.

broken_blossom @ 2004-09-17T05:54:00

2004-09-17T09:55:34Z

sometimes i wish i could live in someone else's shoes...just to see what it was like. i guess sometimes i get so damn wrapped up in my own issues i forget that others are experiencing their own version of hell. this isn't good. i don't mean to be selfish. this is one thing i definitely need to change.

i am sorry i said that you're life wasn't that bad. i know you've been through a lot, and i admire you so much for coming out on top (or seeming that way). i just want you to be happy. i love you

ioalsdiushfkjsadj

2004-09-17T04:28:43Z

all i need is to be loved...

...and i don't have that...

....any of it

....and it makes me wanna cut...

....or even worse...

...or kill myself...

which is something i should have done A LONG time ago.

i stole this one from casey...

2004-08-25T02:31:06Z

What is your name?: Jen
Are you named after anyone?: I don't think so
What's your screename?: Hope9102
Would you name a child of yours after you?: no thanks
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: Sean
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: Chloe...I think it is such a cute name
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: Yea with my last name...RAU...it's not that hard but a lot of people spell it RAO, RAW, ROWE, etc
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: Definitely not.
Basics
Your gender:: Female
Straight/Gay/Bi:: straight
Single?: hell yea
If not, do you want to be?:
Birthdate:: 10/2/83
Your age:: 20
Age you act:: not sure ;-)
Age you wish you were:: 21...but i will be soon!
Your height:: 5'4
Eye color:: shit brown
Happy with it?: yes
Hair color:: dirty blonde
Happy with it?: fuck yea
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:: righty
Your living arrangement:: with my mother and this major asshole named bob...soon to be back at central with the best roommates ever!
Have any pets?: yes...Mitzi- my adorable beagle aka the best dog ever, Sport- aka Scout my mom's rat terrier, Cinnamon- the family guinea pig, and a fish that we never named.
Whats your job?: CVS...aka dating service...haha don't forget it!
Piercings?: my ears, cartilage, tongue
Tattoos?: not yet...
Obsessions?: hmmm...
Addictions?: alcohol...mmm
Do you speak another language?: haha that's funny
Have a favorite quote?: Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy.
Do you have a webpage?: nope...just my journal.
Do you live in the moment?: i try to
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: for the most part...yes
Do you have any secrets?: definitely
Do you hate yourself?: some parts of myself yes
Do you like your handwriting?: yea
Do you have any bad habits?: smoking, etc...
What is the compliment you get from most people?: they love my curly hair
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: girl, interrupted 2 haha
What's your biggest fear?: being buried alive
Can you sing?: well if i can toot my own horn for a bit, then fuck yea i rock! ;-)
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: nope
Are you a loner?: i can be
What are your #1 priorities in life?: me, my dog, my friends, my family
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: hell yea
Are you a daredevil?: maybe
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: my insecurities (well said casey!)
Are you passive or agressive?: passive aggresive lol
Do you have a journal?: yes...online and offline
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: strength- I have a strong will. I'm always there for people...I love listening to people and helping them any way I can. Weakness- I have almost NO self esteem, I'm very insecure, I am extremely sensitive.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: unfortunately no.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: yes, but i'm not telling...
Do you think life has been good so far?: definitely not
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: love hurts
What do you like the most about your body?: i don't know
And least?: everything ha
Do you think you are good looking?: sometimes
Are you confident?: not really
What is the fictional character you are most like?: i have no idea
Are you perceived wrongly?: yea sometimes
Do You...
Smoke?: yes unfortunately
Do drugs?: sometimes
Read the newspaper?: sometimes
Pray?: yes
Go to church?: no
Talk to strangers who IM you?: depends
Sleep with stuffed animals?: sometimes
Talk to people even though you hate them?: if i have to
Drive?: yes
Like to drive fast?: no but i am always late
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: YES
Hurt yourself?: yes
Been out of the country?: nope
Eaten something that made other people sick?: nope
Been in love?: i think so
Done drugs?: yes
Gone skinny dipping?: yes
Had a medical emergency?: yes...i was rushed to the emergency room about a million times for either my allergies or asthma
Had surgery?: no
Ran away from home?: almost every day
Played strip poker?: haha yup
Gotten beaten up?: yup...by my asshole stepfather
Beaten someone up?: nope
Been picked on?: yup
Been on stage?: yup...i love it
Slept outdoors?: yes
Thought about suicide?: unfortunately yes
Pulled an all nighter?: yes
If yes, what is your record?: i don't remember
Gone one day without food?: hell yea...i went one month without food...it was great
Talked on the phone all night?: nope
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yup...it was nice
Slept all day?: yup
Killed someone?: no way
Made out with a stranger?: yup
Had sex with a stranger?: nope
Thought you're going crazy?: the majority of the time ;-)
Kissed the same sex?: yes
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: yes
Been betrayed?: yes
Had a dream that came true?: not yet
Broken the law?: yup
Met a famous person?: I saw Brandy at a restaurant in NYC and she waved to me, but that's about it.
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: unfortunately yes....but i don't know what it was!
On purpose?: hell no
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yes
Stolen anything?: yes
Been on radio/tv?: haha yes to both...i was on the radio before ozzfest because i wanted a song played so i told the host i would show him my tits...and then i was on the news once during a storm...some random news lady rang our doorbell and filmed us
Been in a mosh-pit?: yea and i got punched in the face twice...it sucked
Had a nervous breakdown?: not yet..but i am sure i will
Bungee jumped?: no
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?: yes
Miracles?: yes
Astrology?: um i don't think so
Magic?: yeah
God?: yes
Satan?: he's mean...but i figure if there is a God, there has to be another extreme.
Santa?: haha
Ghosts?: yes
Luck?: yes
Love at first sight?: no
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yes
Witches?: no
Easter bunny?: no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: i doubt it
Do you wish on stars?: yes
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: yes
Do you think God has a gender?: yes
Do you believe in organized religion?: no
Where do you think we go when we die?: we watch over our family and friends (again Casey...I agree)
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yes
Who is your best friend?: I wish I knew
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Caite
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: don't remember
Your favourite inside joke?: lol ask caite...again...I don't remember
Thing you're picked on most about?: my hair
Who's your longest known friend?: Caite
Newest?: Lindsey
Shyest?: Caite
Funniest?: Jamie
Sweetest?: Casey
Closest?: not sure...
Weirdest?: ummm...
Smartest?: Caite
Ditziest?: Lauren haha
Friends you miss being close to the most?: my friends from school
Last person you talked to online?: Lindsey
Who do you talk to most online?: Caite and Lindsey
Who are you on the phone with most?: my Dad
Who do you trust most?: ummm...
Who listens to your problems?: Caite and Linds
Who do you fight most with?: my mother
Who's the nicest?: too many to mention
Who's the most outgoing?: Jamie
Who's the best singer?: MUAH! ;-)
Who's on your shit-list?: BOB
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: yup..a guy friend!
Who's your second family?: my friends
Do you always feel understood?: nope
Who's the loudest friend?: Lauren
Do you trust others easily?: no
Who's house were you last at?: Caite
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:: my ex bf's...huge ick factor
Do your friends know you?: sometimes
Friend that lives farthest away:: Janet
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: sometimes
What do you find romantic?: rose petals and candles
Turn-on?: cuddling
Turn-off?: feet ...EW
First kiss?: Ew...I'd rather not say...
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: uncomfortable
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them: yes
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: sometimes
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv: nope
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: not sure...
What is best about the opposite sex?: body
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: they're dumb and insensitive
What's the last present someone gave you?: I don't remember
Are you in love?: nope...i wish i was
Do you consider your significant other hot?: n/a
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: hmmmm....
You wanted to kill?: no one
That you laughed at?: Lindsey
That laughed at you?: Lindsey
That turned you on?: no one
You went shopping with?: Kelly...my cousin
That broke your heart?: my ex
To disappoint you?: not telling...
To ask you out?: no one
To make you cry?: my stepfather
To brighten up your day?: Lindsey
That you thought about?: Beth
You saw a movie with?: Kelly
You talked to on the phone?: my Dad
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: Lindsey
You saw?: Kelly
You lost?: Grandpa
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: nope
Will it be with your significant other?: I DONT HAVE ONE!!! :(
Or some random person?: no
What are you wearing right now?: my hottie pants and a tank top
Body part you're touching right now:: the keyboard
What are you worried about right now?: being able to go to school this semester
What book are you reading?: Let Them Eat Prozac
What's on your mousepad?: I don't have one
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:: drunk, tired, lonely, sad, blah
Are you bored?: not really
Are you tired?: YUP
Are you talking to anyone online?: NO :-(
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: not anymore
Are you lonely or content?: lonely
Are you listening to music?: no...watching satc on tbs

sooooooo fucked...

2004-08-25T00:24:35Z

yea so i am on academic probation from my messed up last semester and of course i fucking FORGOT to go to the dean's meeting or whatever the fuck it was TONIGHT. so now who knows if i can even go back to school this semester...HA!

well...let me tell you...nothing makes you feel better like some alcohol and marb lights...ahhh...i just wish i had some people here because this house is pretty boring when i am here all alone...

beautiful...

2004-08-21T23:50:51Z

Wow...the sky is pink and purple and it is SOOO fucking gorgeous :-D

drinking my dinner...

2004-08-21T23:44:28Z

I was craving some wine, but of course we don't have any opened bottles so I can't open a new one...damn. So, I figured I would have some Mike's Hard Lemonade and Bud Light for dinner since there is no food in this house (and I think that is enough calories for dinner).

Anyway...I am really looking forward to going back to school. I seriously cannot wait. However, I am starting to get nervous. I am taking 5 courses this semester, which shouldn't be difficult for a normal person, but I'm not normal. I want to do well so badly, but what if I fail? I can't afford to fail...I don't want to fail. Maybe I am just getting myself worked up over nothing.

Mmmm...alcohol is sooo good

P.S. I LOOOOVE the movie Pete's Dragon. Every time I see the movie, I always want an apple. Don't they make the apples look so good? Also, I love it how when I was little, it never occured to me that it was strange to have Pete be talking to a cartoon dragon...haha I love it:-P

painful dessert with mom...

2004-08-21T23:31:00Z

A couple nights ago, my mom and I went out to dinner together. It was a nice dinner. Surprisingly, we have been getting along very well lately. As the waitress came by with the check, we somehow got on the topic of Bob (my stepfather) and how for some reason he is the only person who can literally make me want to kill myself. He has this strange power over me and he uses it well. I've never been able to share my feelings about the past with my mother without her "shushing" me or changing the subject. Instead she let me get it all out. As I recalled the many horrible incidences in detail, I felt this overwhelming anger and pain. Ir felt as though I wanted to beat Bob up while screaming and crying hysterically. My BIGGEST problem is that I can't seem to let the past go. While I was expressing to my mother everything that went on, she kept saying, "Yea...it's awful...but now you have to move on." And that's my problem...I can't move on. I don't know how to move on. I feel as though it isn't right to just move on...I feel like that is saying "it's okay...you used to beat the crap out of me and treat me like shit for no reason...we can just forget about it" because it's not fucking okay. I blame my stepfather AND my mother for the way I am today. Okay, so maybe I my depression is chemical (like my mother insists), but still...I think that if I had a better childhood, I wouldn't have a stunted mentality. Mentally...I'm around eleven years old. From 11-18, I was in a living hell. It's almost as if I went into like a survival mode and all my emotions just froze. Now that things have changed (aka my stepfather can't hit me because I am a legal adult), I am left feeling like I missed out on part of my life.

While it felt nice to have my mother listen to me let it all out, I had to ask her the question: "Why didn't you leave Bob for how he treated me?" Unfortunately, her answer didn't make me feel very appreciated/loved: she replied, "I would only leave him if he was hurting my family." So, is she saying that I am not her family or is she saying he didn't hurt me?? Either way, it sucks.

I need help moving on...

migraines suck huge balls

2004-08-10T04:16:56Z

I have to work in less than 10 hours. While I am really looking forward to it, I am quite upset that I got the worst migraine ever tonight. I literally thought that my eyes were gonna pop out of my head. It was so painful. Luckily it is finally passing, but unfortunately now I am left feeling restless. Ugh.

Lindsey Lohan is having a girls night tonight...lucky bitch...that's all I have to say about that. :-P

I can't wait to go back to school. I know I am going to do well...I have no choice. Also, I want to get involved in theater and music again. That seems to always keep me on track. 20 more days till school!! :-)

I think I am gonna surf the web for a bit and then try to sleep again. Wish me luck.

this is by far the funniest conversation i've had in a long time...

2004-08-09T20:49:09Z

RedPhish14: HEY
JenR1083: sup
RedPhish14: who is tis
RedPhish14: this
JenR1083: are you kidding me? my name is written in my sn
RedPhish14: yeah but this isn't jen
JenR1083: yes it is
RedPhish14: no it isnt
RedPhish14: what is my name?
JenR1083: lindsey lohan
RedPhish14: what floor do you live on in the dorm?
JenR1083: 805
RedPhish14: ok
JenR1083: haha
RedPhish14: why did you say "sup"?
JenR1083: because i was in the middle of trying to get a sliver out of my hand when you imed me so i didnt feel like typing whats up...you know the funny thing is that after i typed it i figured you would think that it wasnt me
RedPhish14: haha sorry
JenR1083: its okay it was kinda funny
RedPhish14: where are you?
JenR1083: at home
JenR1083: i live in cheshire
JenR1083: hehe
RedPhish14: what happened to the library?
RedPhish14: no way!!!
JenR1083: oh yea i was there...i just got back
RedPhish14: did you get any books?
JenR1083: i am on my mom's computer because i am transferring music for my brother
JenR1083: yea one
RedPhish14: ohh
RedPhish14: what book
JenR1083: mary higgins clark "nighttime is my time" because i never finished it at silver hill
RedPhish14: ohhh cool
JenR1083: yea and i rented "the hand that rocks the cradle"
RedPhish14: oh yikes lol
RedPhish14: it is pretty good
JenR1083: i know i love it
JenR1083: i cheated on my diet already hah
JenR1083: i think its cuz i picked a bad day to start
JenR1083: cuz i have nothing to do today but sit around and be hungry
RedPhish14: lol
RedPhish14: geek
JenR1083: tomorrow i work so i will do it then
RedPhish14: alright im going to bring the dogs to the park and then to the grocery store
RedPhish14: good!
RedPhish14: someone's gotta make dinner around here
JenR1083: fine biotch...acuse me of not being me and then dont even talk to me:-P
RedPhish14: call me later
RedPhish14: lol shush
RedPhish14: byeeeeeeeee
JenR1083: bye
RedPhish14 signed off at 4:38:54 PM.

new layout

2004-08-09T15:46:57Z

Ooooo...I like my new layout a lot...yay. I started my diet today. Spiru-tein...it's as thick as pancake mix going down. I had to wash it down with a banana...ah well. At least I feel filled up inside. I have no plans for today...it's gonna be a laid back do whatever the hell I want to day. I'll write more later.

It took 2 years, but boy was it worth the wait...

2004-08-07T21:10:52Z

Maybe everything really does happen for a reason. I was SUPPOSED to be working at CVS from 4 to close tonight, but at the last minute, someone called in sick so I couldn't start training today. I was all bummed out because I REALLY NEED the money and I was looking forward to starting today. But anyway...I decided to go to Walmart with my mother and brothers. I hadn't showered yet at this point (hehe I was lazy), but she wouldn't wait for me so I just went in sweats with my hair up and no make up...I figured what the hell...it's just Walmart, right? WRONG! On my way to cash out, I glance behind to look for my brother and instead I find this enormously tall, goofy, familiar looking guy...oh yes that's right...big old Bob was walking right behind me...aaaaaaaaaaaand guess who was with him?!?!?!?! Yes, that's right...the infamous "troll." I've been waiting to see her since he left me for her, and today I did. :-) And let me please have my moment here to say that I am DEFINITELY HOTTER. Actually, she isn't even hot. She is just kinda blah. She is shorter than me, with brown wavy greasy-like hair, quite a large nose. She is really tiny, and they look kinda goofy together. Oh well. Whatever...I couldn't have seen her at a better time (well I suppose I could have looked a little better myself but oh well)...I am SO over him and whatever...he is with an ugly girl...so congratulations Bobbo, you left me for that...have fun:-P

Haha.

work @ 4

2004-08-07T16:12:15Z

I start work today at CVS at 4pm and for some reason I am really really nervous:-/ I should know by now that naturally I am a very nervous person so I guess this is really nothing to worry about. Anxious is probably a better way of describing how I feel, because I am really looking forward to starting work as well. Ahhh...

Wish me luck!

awww cute little fetus ;-)

2004-08-07T03:40:58Z

I adopted a cute lil' October birthstone fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

feeling hopeful...

2004-08-07T03:29:57Z

A few days ago, I got a call from my father saying that my grandmother was in the ICU at St. Raph's due to a collapsed lung and a rare form of pneumonia (among other things). From the sound of it all, my entire family thought this was going to be it. Ever since my grandfather (her husband) passed away on December 24, 2001 it she has been on a downward spiral. My father flew in from Florida on Tuesday and the whole family went to the hospital to see her. She looked exactly like my grandpa did the night he died. She was as pale as a ghost, had a tubes going into her everywhere, and she was unconscious. It was a painful sight. Anyway...I saw her again today and she is no longer in the ICU. They have also rid her from the tubes, as she is now able to breathe on her own. She looks much better...still not 100%...but much better than before. So I am glad about that.

After many days of feeling hopeless and not getting out of bed, I am beginning to feel a glimmer of hope in the distance. I think the shock of almost losing my grandma was like a slap in the face telling me to wake the fuck up because life is way too short. There is so much I want to change about myself. I have made a promise to myself that I WILL NO LONGER complain about anything in my life that I can change. I've been constantly complaining about my body and my weight, yet I've done nothing to try and better myself. I am not going to let myself complain about how much I hate my body because it is my own fault for not doing anything to try and diet or exercise.

Rule #1 - NO MORE COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE.

I think one rule is enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm myself hehe.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and picked up the book "Let Them Eat Prozac" by David Healy. I can't wait to start reading it. I also bought this book about Yoga positions, which I am totally psyched about. I had a couple yoga classes at Silver Hill, and they made me feel wonderful so I want to continue practicing that as well.

My brother is complaining that he can't sleep, so I think I am going to go talk to him and then get some rest.

G*Night

running...

2004-07-30T19:23:40Z

when you get too close to people, it's time to write 'em off...right?

"I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along"

"Let Them Eat Prozac"...

2004-07-29T04:43:37Z

UGHHHH...WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SO IGNORANT AND STUBBORN THAT THEY CANNOT SEE THE TRUTH EVEN IF IT IS HANDED TO THEM ON A SILVER PLATTER????

My thoughts are...

SHUT THE FUCK UP...YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT AND YOU CLEARLY HAVE DONE NO RESEARCH ON THE SUBJECT. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? YOU READ ONE DAMN ARTICLE THAT CONTRADICTS THE CORRELATION OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND SUICIDE AND YOU BELIEVE IT TO BE TRUE? DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR? I READ AN ARTICLE IN STAR MAGAZINE STATING THAT MICHAEL JACKSON'S NOSE WAS REAL. HAH! WHAT BS! YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ/HEAR.

WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT THESE PEOPLE WOULDN'T KNOW DANGEROUS MEDS IF THEY SLAPPED THEM IN THE FACE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ok i think i am done now.

another day of nothingness...

2004-07-27T22:00:17Z

Ever since I got out of the hospital, I've felt really blah. I don't feel bad, but I certainly don't feel good either. I am just kinda here. Sometimes I feel as though I am living in a dream. I even pinched myself once to see if I would wake up (I know...I'm a dork). But I just don't feel right. Maybe it is because I don't have much of a life right now. I am STILL on a search for a job, I STILL don't have a boyfriend (I'm not looking for one...it's just something that will always haunt me), and I just feel like I don't have much of a purpose in this world. I'm stuck in the middle of being a complete loser and a somebody. So does that make me a nobody?

Okay...back to applying for student loans...

Maybe I'll go for a drive to clear my head.

what's a normal family like?

2004-07-25T02:11:31Z

If I had to describe my family (meaning my mother, and stepfather) in three words, I would say critical, abusive, and dysfunctional. I understand that it is natural for families to fight...I don't believe that any family is perfect. But sometimes when I drive down the street and watch the houses passing by, I wonder what kinds of families encompass them. How are families supposed to act? So many people say that family comes first. But what if you don't have a solid family foundation? Then what is the most important? Sometimes I fear that not having a good family is going to screw me for the rest of my life.

Today was very stressful. My mother, brothers, and I went to the movies (we saw I, Robot and it sucked...don't waste your money). On the way home, my brothers Matt and Kevin (aka God's gift) got into a fight. As soon as we got home, my mother ran inside to tell Bob (aka my ASSHOLE stepfather) that my brothers were fighting. Of course she didn't bother to say anything bad about Kevin (the favorite)...instead she ran inside saying, "Matt is acting up!" So, out comes Bob who is his normal bitchy self, putting his fists in Matt's face, threatening to "beat the shit" out of him. My mother stood there, watching intently as if it was some kind of entertainment for her. I had left the scene when I heard Matt being pushed up against the wall, while he screamed "No, Dad...PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! NO!" Poor kid. He already has no self esteem, thinks he is ugly and fat and that no one likes him. I hate to say it, but maybe if/when Matt grows up and has "issues" like I do, my mother will open up her eyes and take some responsibility for ruining her children's lives. I doubt it...nothing is ever her fault! "Depression is only chemical...it's all in your head" is her favorite saying. She will never change.

Sometimes I wish that some nice, loving family would adopt me...even now...it's not too late...please take me away from this nightmare!

Ugh...

friends...

2004-07-13T03:28:57Z

I was watching Sex and the City today, and I was thinking to myself how sweet it is that each friend could call one another at any time of the day or night even if it was just to say hello. It got me thinking (since I do a lot of that with all the time I have while I wait for a damn bed in this hospital)...who is my friend like that? Sometimes I wonder if I give too much. I always tell my friends that I am always there for them...and the truth is I mean it literally. If any one of my friends needed my at any time, I would be there in a second. If one of my friends needed a friend to talk to or simply needed someone to listen, I would be there for them. If a friend of mine was sick or feeling down in the dumps, I would call them to say hello or maybe offer to take them out for coffee or something. I don't do these things out of obligation, I do them because I care a lot about my friends. Being that I never really had a secure home life, my friends were always my immediate family. Often times, I put my friends well being before mine. Basically, I would do ANYTHING for a friend. In doing this, I don't expect anything in return...but lately I've been thinking, and I feel as though I don't have any friends that would be there for me like I would for them. Maybe I give too much, or maybe I expect too much. Maybe I only feel this way because I am so depressed. Maybe I shouldn't relate my life to Sex and the City- afterall it is only a television series- who says any truth can be drawn from that? Still, I can't help but wonder about this...

here comes the madness...

2004-07-07T16:30:11Z

okay so i am going a little crazy again...i'm not getting what i need. i feel like i am losing control again and i can't let that happen. i don't want to lose touch with reality again. i don't want to spend hours dumping out pills and searching for a full bottle of vodka. i need to gain some kind of control...so i did.

i've recently convinced myself that maybe i will get a boyfriend when i lose all my fat and become skinny. i actually believe it to be true. i ate yesterday but i didn't let myself keep it down. i'm obsessed with diet pills and laxatives. i went out to breakfast this morning with my brother and i feel terrible that i ate so i just relieved myself of that. i don't have a problem...i don't have an eating disorder...i'm just bettering myself...like i said i would. plus it makes me feel good about myself. it's like cutting without scars. plus i've done it before and i know it's a sure way to lose weight...and the sense of control i feel from it is amazing...i love it.

i'm still mad at myself for eating in the first place today...i'm such an ass.